心跳停止了

心跳停止了
梦是时候停了，我该醒了
第一次勇敢的，相信会好的
原来又是不可能的。
从有了，到没了
从痛了，到麻了
都一至相信你承诺的，
到分手了，我还傻傻的相信，
爱不会累的
只要能改了，问题就会解决了

后来你的对待
慢慢只能接受
还是希望会想起我
结果原来只有我还在这。

肚子的痛，渐渐没了
以为不痛了
原来是心痛，盖完所有的。

clear now

when i came to office, 1st thing i do was open and sent an email to u.
this was the 1st time i wrote an email regarding our problem, not just a friend's greeting.

""
brother..

can this email i call u lao gong?
haha canot also cant..i wan to call la..
lao gong, i cant sleep well yesterday night, i cant breath like normal. like ned to take very hard only can breath..really hope u r here, like u always do, ask me to breath slowly, will do with me as well, acc me untill i sleep.

yesterday after get ur mail, i really feel u angry and hate me..
lao gong, i am sorry, i really got alot problem,
i dono what shud i do, alot of thign hapen..cant tell u in details..
mayb say, i already dono how to report bah..


lao gong,
i really scare i canot accept that, when we meet, u really treat me like brother..
i really love u, i also dont 1 to spoil our friendship..
i scare i cant control.. cry n ask u back..i know i am weak

in this month..i really think alot..
i am so sorry that..i really make ur life suffer alot..
when i know u smoke alot, i feel that, im so bad..
i am so sorry that i always say break up..
i really realise, i really did alot of thing that make u suffer and dono how to face it.
actually i also dono how, should i continue wait u and ask for be back togather? or i just let go..be friend also can be much more better

act lao gong, i really cant imagine, when u back, i canot hug u tightly...
do u know how much i miss u? everyday i also hope, when u back i ned how la.. go where with..do what with u..
sometime, i really do not eat..keep fit, tot let u hug that time.. at least nt fat fat d lo..

when break up jo, at 1st i tot i am ok.. but end up, i almost cry everynight..
every minutes, really, i also will think what r u doing now, holding hp wait u to msg me..i know is stupid, bt i just cant control..
what i can control was dont call u n disturb u..
bt i also did sent msg to u alot of time.. i am really sorry, i just too miss u, i know what i did really annoying, i dono what i can say to apologize, just "really sorry"

everyday i also hug the little lamzam u gave me..it just like..u r here with me..
lao gong, can i keep that?? as a gift to me...

when u saw this emil, i think most probabily u ad meet me..
coz normally u wont so rajin read email everyday..lol
i hope i wont cry when meet u..i know my tears have make u suffer alot..
just want to say sorry..really sorry.. coz it was the way i release out..i dint meant to make u sanfu..
if i really cry when meet u, please forgive me..pls..



hope we will have a nice day when we meet up...
i know i canot say i love u when i meet u...
so i notti say here ..
hehe,

LAO GONG, I REALLY LOVE U, ALWAYS WILL DO.

all the best for u. no mater how we change, u still need to sayang me, as a brother..
this ia a must o...^^

regards,
LaoPo
""


this is what i hope to sent to you,
but end up, i saw ur reply for previous email. u said
"just my advice
but anyway
decsion is in ur hand"

i never get this answer from u, coz normally u will very beh agak said i canot go, i canot do, bla bla bla...
really hard to adapt into. i cant tahan my tears anymore.
coz i know ...

am i ok?
i do not know.
i tot i will be ok, coz i ad know the answer when u dint reply me last time.
i really tot i will be ok..

it must be kidding me

i just put aside my feeling, then the next day i receive ur mail.
do u know how happy i am when just receive a email from u?
sound stupid right..arh...i just dono what should i do n think.

we keep contact by email, but do u know, it is so sweet that u wrote me alot of things. like yesterday, u ask me alot of question, like very normal u will do.. i dono what should i think, i really do not know. i really hope that i am not dreaming, when yean ree told me u all back saturday, then u sent me mail and said, u stop yean ree to tell me..but is too late..

then why u dont 1 tell me u back on saturday:?
izit because u wana give me surprise? or u dont 1 to find me 1st..so just act that u hvn back?

i really dono..

changing @ 1month

Within this few weeks, i am trying to stop thinking a lot. I stop myself of being sent msg to kacau u. Sometime, i really wonder gah, why u never like want to msg me. Do u so hate me? Will never miss me? Or really dont have money to even sent me a msg? i really not understand. and i already dont hv the energy to understand.

i am getting weaker n weaker . That day, i really miss u so much, try to sms u, talk to u like a brother as we always do, i tot, we atleast can chat better.. u never reply. i still very happy, coz i successful think positive and control my feeling, and tell myself, u also dont have much credit to call. but after 7 hours, u replied, u said u r hanging out just now, and at paris, i should go if i got chance,u wana sleep, ask me take care.

what i feel was, ntg much, just answer my ques..never have much topic. mayb u also dont 1 chat so much since no credit bah.

As time is moving, i feel u ad let go of me..mayb u really so tired of being with me..

i know clearly that i really cant let go u, everyday, very concern on the phone, once got msg or call, i still hoping that is u who gv me a message. i really dont hope i continue like this, i know, if i still hoping u msg me, or i sent msg to u, it will only affect our friendship. I don’t hope to lose a best frend like u.

I decided to go london to work . i know, let go is really imposibble for me..
u always say ntg is imposible.. bt.. i dono.. is really hard. i also tot, break up will make me better, but i am nt, mayb i got alot things dono what happen, doesn’t have the hurt-est answer from u. As siew ling said..i hvn get ur answer.. the answer that is " yuen sum, we dont hv the chance togather anymore"

maybe is true, maybe i get this answer only i will let go u. but i choose to let go by going to a far place that i cant meet u, even if i miss u, even i cant control and ask u out, i also cant do all those if i am at London right?

bro, i receive ur email say u cant reply my msg, but u email me, really thanks alot, do u know, just a email, make me happy for two days. Even is just a fren email, i still really happy to get it..i keep on repeating to read the email u sent, is like a very important thing to me. Actually, there is only 5 email u sent to me when u at UK, this email was the last 1. Everyday, i will repeating to read the email, coz, i really feel is like a concern from u to me. Sound stupid, lol, is really stupid.


2day i go out with siew ling, alot problem, and actually my leg also very bengkak yesterday but i still go and now can’t even walk nicely already. coz if i dint go out, i alone at home, i will think alot. So i still going out with siew ling. When we went to a bra shop, she ask me to buy a sexy lingerie, it reminds me that i had bought 1 very cute, tot show this cute sleeping suit to u, sure u will laugh at me. But, there is no longer a chance for me.

At night, we yam cha with tim n yoke siong. Just now tim ask me a question, iizit i really can’t let go vyen?
i answered, i really can’t. they ask me, why i am so "soh", since ad know vyen let go me, why still like waiting. they said they feel that u ad let go.. Especially tim, he say in very serious way, he say, the way i will let go izit wana hear vyen said he dont 1 togather with me anymore? i answered yes. Then he reply, yuen sum, vyen also never find u so long ad, u should know he had let go u...

i wonder why he know vyen never find me.. is there anything that he know?

i dono. i dont wana think.

But i almost cry in the restaurant, when tim said, do u know what vyen said about u, that everyone know?

vyen said i am very "fan'".. tim say he know this from other ppl mouth.

i tot, break up that few day was the heart pain. Now only i know, i feel the hardest pain at this moment. i cant cry out. this feeling..i never feel before..Suddenly, i like... die a moment..i cant hear what they say at that moment. I dono what have done, totally blank.

i tot, report is a way of communicate,
u said u worry about me,
u said u would like to know everything about me, this showing u care for me
i tot, we should just share our daily as caring to each other
i said i just worry of u
i said i dono what u really doing, i have no idea,so i hope to get report from u
bt u said, i am very fan, u said sometime u forgot, sometime it is not neccesary

maybe when i dint get it, i force u do it next time, if u fogot, i angry,
izit this make u feel anooying? feel suffer?

really sorry..really
Now only i know, act i am so annoying,
i really dono how to show my care in a correct way.
and mayb my voice tone is n ot good or Inappropriate.


My love for u,
Was a burden to u
I already being said by many of them, that i requested too much from vyen, vyen feel stress.
Vyen smoke every day, and is alot, is nonstop..


Vyen, i am so sorry,
I really never know, that my love and care was in the wrong way
I really never know, my love is making u suffer for so long
I reall dono when u go play basketball, club or anything, u never reply said u ad safely reach home
I request u do in next time, i worry till angry
Is making u feel suffer..


i had make u changed, u have been smoke.
I really such a failure.
I always make u fan, i dono what i done, make u feel stress till smoke to release..
I am so sorry..really sorry


nowonder why i am trying so hard,
So hard to let my mom feel that i am guai lui,
Work hard to let my sis know, act i so fierce because i care of her,
But they treat me in diff,

Now only i know, actually, i am the one having problem,
i really dono how to love some1,
i really dono how to care some1

I really take everything so seriously, even a friend promise,
If u all promises me a thing, i will take it in mind,
If everything goes wrong, i am the 1 who mad,
Coz i tot i care, so i will mad if everything goes wrong
i really such a failure,
What action tot that i am trying to show some care to u all,
End up, bcoz i too care, i angry,
And make u all feel more suffer.

Break up is not the sadness, while knowing that
The way i love u,
Bring suffer to u,
Is the 1 make me feel,
I am really wrong, really pain in my heart.

I really dint mean to bring suffer to u..
I really....
I am really sorry. sincerely apologise

All i hope now was, vyen, please don’t smoke anymore.
I will let go, i promise i wont disturb u anymore, just pls don’t smoke,


Dear God, i know that i am wrong already, please stop vyen from smoking,
I will stop mess up his life, hope he will be to own vyen which don’t smoke, don’t drink, and always HAPPy.. i will go away, just change him back to his normal life.
I really miss his smile, the smile that really true without worrying alot, without feels suffer.
Thank God.

I said before, the time i take out my ring was the time i let him go.
I will take it out now.

Vyen,
i am really sorry that i mess up ur life. really sorry..
Hope u will back to ur happy life, and remember please don’t smoke.
This is what u promise me before u go Uk, please keep this promise. my last request, please keep this.


Please allow me to say here, 1 last time.
lao gong i really love u so much..
Really miss u..
what i had done, i dono how to solve it, i am really sorry.
i never meant to..
just hope, u will be fine and healthy.

i will let go.. hope we will still be good friend, good brother.
please allow me to cry the one last time.
really feel sad now..